We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started, And know the place for the first time. ~T.S. Eliot Four Quartets

29 October 2006

Being nobody and going Nowhere

I have been wasting far too much time on the internet today...having been sick for the past three days I guess I felt I needed to make up for lost time.. but its not quality time. I have been experimenting with something i heard recently, which is that you can google just about anything. So naturally, I googled myself first and then lots of other things as I thought of them.

I was shocked and angered to find some information related to my life on others sites, but since it was not directly about me, what can i say??. That along with some of my posts on spam blogs just set me fuming! But then that's just me thinking once again that I am separate from everything else. This is probably not an easy concept for most to grasp, but in my buddhist belief I understand Ultimately that we are all one being. Relatively however, we feel separate and our egos take over. After all this surfing, I was hit with a wave of existential angst. The 'what is it all for' question, 'does any of this matter at all' 'why blog, who cares?'...

I was angered by my searching and it led to thoughts about dishonesty, people hiding behind technology, living in virtual worlds instead of engaging openly and wholeheartedly. Then I realised that this is judging. This is my mind engaging in aversion, judging, fear, hurt, anger..all of the above. Then I took comfort in my path, the path that I have chosen, that tells me, shows me the nature of my own mind. Ayya Khema was a buddhist nun and her book Being Nobody, Going Nowhere was the first book I read about buddhism. I loved her simple and loving approach and the idea that its ok to be nobody-that we are truly ourselves when we are nobody, going nowhere. Nothing to gain, nothing to lose, everything is as it is already. The universe is still. Its all been done already.

In a Mike Scott song he sings 'bring it all in, bring it all in to my heart...bring the little fishes, bring the sharks'. Which is very buddhist indeed. If we accept the little fishes, we have to accept the sharks--or at least have compassion for them too. So I've calmed myself down, and accepted that the privacy of my life that I envisioned, is not necessarily mine, but still, my life is my own and yet its everyone's. There is no need to worry, as we are all interconnected anyway. I choose how I view the world, I choose my thoughts, so I will continue to work on being positive and approaching life with love.

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